


Humorous

by Lizzy100



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dracula (TV 2013), True Blood, Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Freeform, Dracula - Freeform, Erin Hunter, F/M, Gen, Joss Whedon - Freeform, True Blood References, Warriors cats - Freeform, angel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 17:04:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizzy100/pseuds/Lizzy100
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My attempt at humor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Love, Bland, and Blandishment

(Narrator) Dracula: We all know how vampires are. They die in the sunlight and by any pointy object driven through the heart. Not all of these apply to other vampires. Why can't the younger versions go along the same story line?

Spike: (Walks in, both former soul mates tagging along at both of his sides) Because we're bloody hell immortal, buddy. Being shot by bloody hell silver bullets shouldn't kill us.

Harmony: Spiky, calm down.

Dru: Yes.

(Darla and Angel walk in, followed by the crew, excluding the former Queen C and her ex)

Darla: I think we're perfect just the way we are.

Dracula: Perfect? Ha! That's a good one.

Angel: We're not all perfect, Darla. All vampires have killed people. I get tortured by the memory of all the people I've killed.

Darla: If only you were the soulless monster you used to be.

Buffy: Stop torturing him or I WILL kill you again.

Darla: Angel killed me the first time around. Not you, Slayer.

Faith: We'll still kill you.

Kendra: Yes. We kill you.

Doyle: Can we all calm down a no'ch?

Willow: Can we chill out?

Tara: P-please, guys?

Giles: Uh, I think we're getting, uh, out of control here.

Anya: Where's my honey at?

Spike: Probably bloody hell screwing the Queen.

Anya: He better not be.

Dracula: Okay. All of you younger versions of me, get lost. Witches, go home. Slayers, I don't know what's going on with you, but get out of here and go patrol. Watcher, go to the library and read.

(They leave as Dracula says, "Screw y'all!")

(Anya, Doyle, and Connor are the only ones left)

(Joyce, Cordy, and Xander walk in)

Joyce: What are we doing today?

Anya: Making fun of vampires.

Joyce: In that case, I’m out of here.

(Joyce leaves)

Anya: I knew it! You and Cordelia were screwing each other!

Xander: Calm down.

Cordelia: You know she's right.

Xander: I know.

Dracula: Drama much. Simmer down, Anyanka. If you want, I'll screw you.

Anya: Really? When?

Dracula: After the show.

Anya: How about now?

Dracula: Great.

(Anya and Dracula walk out.)

(Cordy and Xander are left.)

Xander: I love you so much, Cor. You know that, right?

Cordelia: Of course, Xan.

Xander: Well, Dracula is right folks. Screw the vampires. They suck.

Cordelia: Shut up and kiss me already.

(Cordy and Xander start kissing)

(Camera turns off)


	2. Warriors cats: Clan Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The leaders of each clan TRY to explain the life of living in a clan.

The three present leaders sat on a blue couch. They were on a set in a studio.  
Firestar: Is the camera rolling?  
One-star: Of course, mouse brain.  
Squirrelflight: (walks in) Oh no you didn't! You did not just call my daddy a mouse brain.  
Blackstar: Who in Starclan's name let her in?  
One-star: Oh yes I did young warrior.  
Firestar: I don't know.  
(All cats from all four clans walk in)  
Sasha: (steps forward) I did.  
Tigerstar: Sasha, we do not bring kittypet bloodlines into this studio.  
Sasha: Keep your fur on.  
Blackstar: Can we get back on topic?  
Tigerstar: What topic?  
Blackstar: Being in a Clan.  
Tigerstar: Clans were a mouse brained idea; a waste of time. Being a rogue or loner is more glorious. No rules. You can do, say, and go wherever you want. It's the life. It's freedom.  
Longtail: That's what you say.  
Blackstar: Is being a rogue what made you so intimidatingly, unstoppable, crazily evil, and a maniac?  
Tigerstar: Why you no good, rotten flea fur ball! (claws come out)  
Jayfeather: In Starclan's name, shut up, Tigerstar.  
Tigerstar: What's the matter? Can't face your origin little kittypet?  
Lionblaze: Shut up before I make you.  
Crowfeather: Have you forgotten that he's dead? You can't physically fight a ghost.  
Firestar: We're all aware of that, but thank you anyway, Crowfeather.  
Crowfeather: You're welcome, Firestar.  
Graystripe: I think we should try this tomorrow. We're not getting anywhere.  
Leafstar: Agreed.  
(Camera turns off)

 

 

(Second day, second attempt)  
Leafstar: Okay. The camera is rolling. Where's Firestar and One-star at?  
Blackstar: I don't know. I think Firestar was going to pick up his sister. Who in Starclan's name knows what One-star is up to.  
Leafstar: I guess we'll start then.  
Blackstar: Without them? Isn't that like starting without them at a Gathering?  
Leafstar: Not really.  
Blackstar: Hi viewers. My name is Blackstar. I'm the leader of Shadowclan.  
Leafstar: My name is Leafstar. I’m the leader of the newly restored Skyclan. We live in a gorge instead of the forest.  
Blackstar: It's not always easy in a clan. There are fight and battles between clans. But during green leaf and peace, everything is well and plentiful. During leaf fall, it's hard to find prey and stay fit. The river and lake freezes up, so Riverclan doesn't have any fish to eat. They have to live on land prey. Most land prey hibernates in their dens until leaf fall ends. Every full moon, when Silverpelt shines the brightest, all of our clans gather. The leaders talk about as much as they want about what's going on. It's our onetime of actual peace. Sometimes, cats even cross other clan borders without permission.  
Leafstar: We normally have the same thing in the gorge and around it. Cats try to cross the boundaries away from where no man's land is. But we don't have another clan to worry about. It's always kittypets, rogues, or loners.  
(Firestar and One-star walk in. One-star has a black hat on. Firestar is wearing a black leather jacket, a white shirt, and blue shorts with white socks)  
Bluestar: What in Starclan's name are you two wearing? Especially you, Firestar.  
Firestar: It was the sale at JC Penny's. Sorry I’m late. I just had to buy these. They were 50% off. I couldn't beat it.  
Leafstar: I think you both are adorable. I just might go buy my own after this.  
Blackstar: Seriously? What's up with you guys and shopping? We're warrior cats; leaders. We don't shop.  
One-star: Do I look handsome in this?  
Leafstar: You do indeed.  
One-star: Thanks, Leafstar.  
Leafstar: My pleasure.  
Firestar: Blackstar, I wouldn't talk like that about shopping. I remember reading a fanfic about you buying a leather jacket. It was hilarious!  
Blackstar: Yes. I bought a leather jacket. I had to throw it away, though. I never took it off and I got grass and mud stains all over it.  
Firestar: See? Don't be telling cats off about shopping. So, One-star, what's your excuse?  
One-Star: I had an appointment.  
Blackstar: What appointment? The hat appointment? (Laughs.)  
One-star: No. Not with the hat. It was with Dr. Cur. I have a tail twitching problem, but I’m taking some special medicine for it.  
Blackstar: You're a twitcher? (Laughs) Good one.  
Leafstar: (smacks Blackstar across the face with a paw lightly.) Be nice.  
Blackstar: Sorry guys.  
(Firestar's cell phone rings.)  
Firestar: (takes iPhone out) I'm sorry. I have to take this. Family. (Puts it on speaker) What's up, Sandstorm?  
Sandstorm: What's up is that Leafpool, Cloudtail, Brightheart, Briarlight, Squirrelflight, Jayfeather, Lionblaze, Crowfeather, Breezepelt, and I are at K-Mart. When we get back, you better have our den cleaned up!"  
Firestar: Yes dear.  
Sandstorm: So hurry up!  
Firestar: I promise, Sandy Tanny. I love you.  
Sandstorm: Thank you, Firestar. Love you, too.  
(They hang up)  
Leafstar: Mate issues?  
Firestar: Yeah. I think she got crankier in her old age. Like Frostfur did.  
Blackstar: I can see the resemblance.  
Leafstar: I think you need a nickname, Firestar. How about Fiery Fire?  
(All of them laugh)  
(Camera turns off)


	3. TB/Buffy/Angel/Warriors crossover: Never Touch Warriors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just made it up one day. My attempt at humor.

(Sookie and Eric walk in.)  
Eric: What are we doing here? There’s nobody here.   
Sookie: I don’t know. I heard we were supposed to meet some warriors here.   
Eric: Warriors? Why?  
(Cordy, Anya, and Xander walk in.)  
Cordy: That’s for me to know and you to find out.   
Anya: You look like crap.   
Cordy: No kidding. I hate my visions. I wish they could all just disappear.   
Anya: Is that your wish?  
Cordy: No.  
Anya: Okay.   
Cordy: Yeah.   
Xander: What’s up with the kindness? You two never got along back in high school.   
Anya: Don’t worry about it, Xander.   
Cordy: Yeah. Just sit back and watch it all flow into place. Is there a bed or chair around here? I feel a migraine coming on. I need to lie down.   
Eric: I can help with that.   
Cordy: Thanks, Eric. (leans on him, head resting on his shoulder, eyes closed contentedly.)  
Eric: (murmurs to her) You’re welcome.   
Xander: This is becoming disturbing.   
Anya: Well, it’s that or take her home.   
Xander: It’s still disturbing.   
Anya: Deal with it.   
(Anya and Xander kiss.)  
(Eric and Sookie stare at them.)  
(The warriors cats come padding in.)  
(Ravenpaw, Smudge, Princess, and Barley pad in.)  
Ravenpaw: Let’s get started.   
Barley: You need to explain first.   
Ravenpaw: Oh; right. Guys, I’m alive. Firestar and Graystripe helped me escape to the Barley Farm. Tigerstar was going to kill me. They had to keep you guys convinced that I was dead. Otherwise, he would’ve come looking for me.   
Firestar: Yeah. I’m sorry.  
Graystripe: We all are.   
Sandstorm: You’re forgiven; all of you. We know what he did.   
(Firestar and Sandstorm start licking one another.)  
One-star: Mouse brain. I never thought the kittypet would be capable of such a secret.   
Whitepaw: I’m surprised his Clan didn’t know.   
Crowfeather: He’s good.   
Tigerheart: Very good.   
Mousefur: I can’t believe this. I’ve missed him all these moons. How could you not tell me? Us for that matter.   
Brambleclaw: I’m sure he has a reason for this.   
Squirrelflight: Hey now.   
Leafpool: Let’s all calm down.   
Longtail: Take a breather, guys.   
Mistystar: They’re right.   
(All warriors start talking at the same time.)  
Smudge: In Starclan’s name, shut up!  
(Every cat is silent.)  
Princess: They have a perfectly good reason for what they did. Now let’s leave the past behind us. It’s time to move forward with our lives.   
Crookedstar: She’s right. By the way, who are you? (Looks at Princess and Smudge.)  
Princess: I’m Princess. Firestar’s sister.   
Crookedstar: Pretty name; nice to meet you.   
Princess: You, too.   
Smudge: I’m Smudge. Firestar’s other best friend.   
Princess: Hey; people. (Goes up to them and rubs against their legs.)  
(Smudge, Barley, Ravenpaw, and all Clans shake their heads at her in disbelief and annoyance.)  
(Anya picks up Firestar.)  
Firestar: Watch it.   
Anya: Can I have a kitty, Xander?   
Xander: An, these cats are wild.   
Anya: You’re no fun.   
Firestar: (Jumps out of her arms.)  
Squirrelflight: (hisses.) Leave my daddy alone!  
Leafpool: Are you okay?   
Firestar: I’m fine.   
Anya: What about that little one? (Points to Whitepaw.)  
Cordy: Xan made it clear that these cats are off limits. Take this white, friendly one, brown one, or this smudged brown one. They’re all people friendly. I might even take one for myself.   
Sookie: Likewise.   
Ravenpaw: Hey, Barley. New owners. I want the brunette. Who do you pick?   
Barley: The blond that’s mates with that older guy.   
Princess: I’m taken, sweetheart.   
(Ravenpaw rubs against Cordy’s legs and purrs happily.)  
(Barley rubs against Sookie and Eric’s legs.)  
Sookie: That’s so cute!  
Cordy: Good kitty. (picks him up.)  
Whitepaw: I’ve been a kittypet before. I’m going, guys.   
Longtail: Mousefur?  
Mousefur: Yes. Sorry, Firestar. We’re getting old. We’ll miss you, though.   
(Whitepaw, Longtail, and Mousefur go up to Anya and Xander. Leafpool, Cloudtail, Brightheart, Squirrelflight, Brambleberry, Skyclan, Brooke, and Stormfur follow them.)  
Sandstorm: There goes most of the Clans.   
Blackstar: They’re right. We’re all getting old. We need to settle down.   
Crookedstar: I agree.   
Brambleclaw: Who cares? Sorry, Firestar. She’s my mate. I have to go.  
Sandstorm: We are, too. Right, Firestar?   
Firestar: Yes.   
Graystripe: Count me in.   
Firestar: Dustpelt, you’re the new leader. Make Starclan proud.   
(Sandstorm, Blackstar, Graystripe, Crookedstar, Brambleclaw, Firestar, and Crowfeather leave the Clans. Blackstar and Crookedstar go to Sookie and Eric. Graystripe, Sandstorm, Brambleclaw, Crowfeather, and Firestar join their mates and families in the group by Anya and Xander.)  
(Anya smiles.)  
Anya: Look at all the cats! I’m rich in cats!  
(Sorreltail, Tigerheart, Dawnwing, Flametail, and Tawnypelt go to join Cordy’s group. Jayfeather, Dovepaw, and Lionblaze follow.)  
(Ivypaw follows after her sister.)  
(Anya and Xander kiss.)  
(Eric and Sookie kiss.)  
(Honeyfern joins Sookie’s group.)  
(Princess watches them and then looks around at everyone.)  
Princess: Don’t even ask. Don’t even. I don’t know what the point was to all of this.   
Dustpelt: No kidding, sweetheart.   
Ferncloud: I agree.


End file.
